Monday, February 26, 2007

Illusion/delusion

Gazing in to her misted eyes,
he signed the marriage contract.
Giving in with softest of sighs,
she thought, “so what if he has cataract?!”

.......................................................................

# It is but a rough draft. I am not satisfied with it. I can't seem to get it the way I desire it. I posted it anyway. Suggestions are welcome.


19 comments:

Buffalo said...

WOW!

Ghost Particle said...

yeh yeh feels like something is missin...but i tink this one is candid and funny.

Paul said...

But her eyes are the ones that are "misted." So I think maybe the cataract is actually in her eye and she only thinks it's in his.

Star crossed lovers I guess. Maybe eye crossed if they keep inspecting each other for cataracts so much I guess...

Kai C. said...

VEY DEEP

Whitesnake said...

You really do not want to know!

trinitystar said...

Extremely funny ... blind delusion heh!
Have a wonderful day.

dsnake1 said...

leave it as it is, raw and honest.

gautami tripathy said...

buffalo: Thanks!

ghosty: The point is what is missing? Any clue?

paul: I wanted to conveyexactly that. The cataract is in her eyes. I didn't think it has come across that well. From your comments it seems it has..

kai: How deep, sweety?

whitesnake: try me!

trinitystar: Thanks.

dsnake1: As I still can't decide what is missing, I will leave it as it is for now.

Don Iannone said...

What if he does? Funny. Good one!

AscenderRisesAbove said...

very clever

Homo Escapeons said...

The 5 CARAT ring on her finger helped to COUNTERACT the involuntary CONTRACTION in her digestive TRACT.

polona said...

gautami, i like it.
i find it clever and amusing ;)

DewyKnickers said...

Misted eyes reflecting,
marriage contract signed
sighing now, softly she wonders,
what if the mote,
is actually a cataract?

Hope you don't mind, I couldn't resist playing a bit.

Rose

xo

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

very interesting --- I would leave it as it is

Rethabile said...

The music's there. But if you feel it's not right, tweak some more until it becomes "untweakable."

Margie said...

I like it Gautami!
It's funny!
Good job!

gautami tripathy said...

don, ascenderrisesabove, polona and margie: thanks.

h.e./donn: It does seem that way, the CHIP is heavier than the cataract!

dewyknickers: you version stands alone too. Thanks.


andrew: I am not so sure but if nothing comes within a day or two, I will live is as it is.

rethabile: You know how the mind of a poet works. The bug is not letting me rest easy. I still can't get it right.

Lotus Reads said...

I really like your experiments with twisted endings - this verse for instance is very witty and defintely clever!

gautami tripathy said...

lotus: methinks you are biased!