Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Fearful of what?

What is it about coming Tuesdays that I have a lot of questions for myself? Mondays are the days, I feel lethargic and tired. Maybe like most, I hate to go to work after Sunday. On Tuesdays, I am supposed to be a little better. Am I really?

Have you ever feared the unknown? Or simply are afraid of the very familiar state you are in? Or just plain scared of nothing? Does it make sense when I ask this? I crave for change. Yet when I have it, I want the previous state back. Why? I want constant change yet I fear it. Why? I used to thrive in it. Confused state of mind, is it not? Lately I have had this feeling of drifting without any direction and purpose. This is one very unsettled state of being. It has gone on for too long. I can't come out of it. Is it depression? Or something else? Why? Am I tired of just being with myself? Or can we call those beautiful fractures of my mind?

I can't pursue the very things I loved to. Like writing poetry or reading or listening to music or sketching. I used to visit book fairs, museums, art exhibitions or simply be a part of a crowded place. Now nothing interests me. I shun all those. Yes, even poetry. Oh, I write but somehow I can't write the way I want to. The way I used to.

I have had death wish, many a times, in the past few weeks. What stops me from going that way? How long is this state going to last? Don't you think two months is a long time? How do I get out of it?

Eventually, I know I will bounce back. The question is, when?


12 comments:

Whitesnake said...

well you could start bouncing back today or you could leave it till the morrow........but the morrow never comes...........so me thinks you start today!

keithsramblings said...

There is never a better time than now to bounce back, and I'm sure you'll do it with style.

lissa said...

beautiful fractures of my mind - I like that, I think that's the term to use to describe life

I've been in that state and still sometimes jump back in without cause, it's hard to define what exactly it was that started it, I think sometimes just being alive have that effect on you

I'm sure you'll bounce back

Art and Poetry said...

Sometimes it's good to write about it, sad poetry can be some of the best. A walk in the fresh air is good also.

Raven's Wing Poetry said...

I don't know what to say, except that I feel for you and that I have been there.

-Nicole

Ghost Particle said...

gautami, all will b ok.

the world is running to fast, we are out of the loop intermittently. thats why this feelings arise.

im not going to lie and say it will go away soon, bt for alot of people it does. bt for some it stays.

we have friends, we have each other and we have god. dont worry.

hugs.

lelablonde said...

Don't let fear in. He's been defeated. You are a victor. Well written to you. One affirmation at a time. Hugs XO

TD said...

bouncing back from a fracture - whether of an arm or of a mind - is never a returning but a discovering... and though i think the line overused, it's always darkest before the dawn... that said, perhaps the bouncing back is a springing forward - even if autumn is upon us...

Michelle Johnson said...

Gautami~ first I want to send you 'hugs' and say that I hope you can bounce back into doing the things that once made you happy. Try once a week to incorporate one of them into daily life and see if that sparks something in you. If not, I'm sure things will change for the better soon. Until then know that you have friends with us, bloggers. Have a nice day.

Annamari said...

on of my favorite writers said that melancholy is caused by the lack of fervor, he also said to love with fervor all these delicious things.

I wish you to find your passion ...

cyclopseven said...

I undergo all these experiences every now and then. I try not fight the situation, rather allow myself to float around until I am settled without much effort, within my own mind. Life goes on. You care to share? Am willing to listen:)

Pam said...

I think you should spend some more time with the idea of beautiful fractures of the mind. There is something wonderful there waiting to be born.