Monday, August 25, 2008

paring it all down to the basics

I have taken Dave's skeletal work and worked around it. The italicized words are my own. I added a couple of sentences to make sense. For me, this makes a lot of sense. Does it work for you too?

I was dealt a hard blow ,
and startled to do away
with the inevitability of it,
clinging at a day’s approach.
I sawed a lot of the branches
which had blocked out my vision.
just below this tree I have pulled
the eye tooth of a tiger,
round and round,
and I find it somewhat
like glue stuck in my mind,
that does a trick of coins
and that too in ceramic bowls
that never quite broke.


Anonymous said...

There's a lot of assertive images here. My favorite is "pulled the eye tooth of a tiger." Good work

Ana said...

It does work for me, definitely.
It is interesting how Dave's first verse " I was dealt" compelled both of us to write about dealing with a challenging situation...

I like the first four lines the most, but the whole poem is good.

Raven's Wing Poetry said...

I echo Nathan and Annamari's comments. The first line kind of leads you in that direction. I do like your imagery here.


Anonymous said...

I agree with Nathan, pulling the eye tooth of a tiger is an intriguing image.

Ambiguitylotus said...

Like everyone, I find it fascinating how strong of the word "dealt" FORCES us to think of something startling and like Nathan said, "assertive".

And it looks like you did a great job with Dave's outfit too. :) I love the last 3 lines. The coins falling into ceramic bowls. I could just hear the sound of that!!

Oh, and thanks for visiting! :)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful! - amazing images. I first read this poem early this morning, have come back again. It's like trying to piece together fragments of a dream, like remembering something and having it slip away at the very moment of remembering, and yet somehow understanding...

Anonymous said...

I love the closing lines: "that does a trick of coins/
and that too in ceramic bowls/
that never quite broke." Wonderful image!

sage said...

i like the sawing of branches, allowing for vision, good job

Joy Renee said...

poems like this having strong images with surrealistic juxtapositions like dreamscapes really attract me.

reading this makes me itch to write another longer poem of my own. i've been doing haiku for several weeks.

Whitesnake said...