Thursday, February 15, 2007

Ambrosial----prose poetry


This week I write prose poetry. That is a tough one. Lately few prose pieces I have posted elsewhere, have been taken as poetry. I should be flattered really but I intended those as prose! In the simplest of words, prose poetry is a heightened piece of prose which reads like poetry. It has all the imagery, similes, metaphors of poetry but it has no line breaks. To know more about it, please do click here. To have an example of what is really a prose poetry, read this piece.


I hope what I have written here qualifies. If not, all of you are welcome to critique it. I would appreciate it very much.

.........................................................................................

Ambrosial

Burrowing her face in the crook of his neck, with the luxury of satin sheets gloriously beneath her, she inhaled him to her core. Softly touching her, sharp pleasure shooting through him, he raised her face to his, his hazel-brown eyes looking and looking his fill, piercing her very soul. Her dark sleep- smudged eyes opened so wide and he wished to drown in them. Turning her around, he placed her on the feathered pillows. He lightly kissed her eyes, her pert nose, moving on to her ears, tracing the shell-like crevices, slowly traversing her sweet cheeks to her honey mouth. Stopping, tasting the essence of her; his hands seeking, pausing, moving... The soft light cast a shadow around them, lacy curtains billowing, the orange moon looking on and blessing. His beard tickling her deliciously to life, her warm hands restlessly moving all over him, wanting, needing, desiring all of him to the very depths of her. Then she woke up...alone.

*******************

Now with line breaks: each single word is intact.

Burrowing her face in the crook of his neck,
with the luxury of satin sheets gloriously beneath her,
she inhaled him to her core.
Softly touching her,
sharp pleasure shooting through him,
he raised her face to his,
his hazel-brown eyes looking and looking his fill,
piercing her very soul.

Her dark sleep- smudged eyes
opened so wide and he wished to drown in them.
Turning her around,
he placed her on the feathered pillows.
He lightly kissed her eyes, her pert nose,
moving on to her ears,
tracing the shell-like crevices,
slowly traversing her sweet cheeks to her honey mouth.

Stopping, tasting the essence of her;
his hands seeking, pausing, moving...
The soft light cast a shadow around them,
lacy curtains billowing, the orange moon looking on and blessing.
His beard tickling her deliciously to life,
her warm hands restlessly moving all over him,
wanting, needing, desiring all of him
to the very depths of her.

Then she woke up….alone!

50 comments:

Kindness (disarms the difficult) said...

wow... what a beautiful dream.

twilightspider said...

This does feel like prose poetry to me, though now I feel a bit empty from the reading. I wasn't expecting the waking at the end, but this is a beautifully heartbreaking conclusion.

DewyKnickers said...

Moving and arousing prose poetry... and then the let down. I hope he was making her breakfast.

Rose

xo

Regina Clare Jane said...

Like Rose said! If not for the waking up, what a world this would be!
Lovely, Gautami...

Anonymous said...

I love the conclucsion. Not all poetry has happy endings

http://www.verdispoetry.com/

split ends said...

I can't offer any critiques, as I'm very new to this myself, but I certainly enjoyed the read... it's quite romantic, and then quite sad...

sage said...

beautiful describes makes the waking up at the end to be disappointing--but dreams are like that--nicely done

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

The ending!! This is a lot like the tanka that I posted tonight.

floots said...

mmmmmmmm
made me glad i've got a beard :)
nice dream
cheers

gautami tripathy said...

Kindness: thanks! It seems you like.

twilightspider: Dreams, just dreams.

dewyknickers: Hope so!

regina: Yes, I agree. But mundane world does intrude.

anon: Thanks.Happy endings are only there in movies, romance novels and the lot.

split ends: Life is like this.

sage: Thanks.

andrew: I will go chk yours.

floots: Well! I will be damned. Keep the beard...

I Am said...

I was Lusting within this Vision... then I woke up.

Thank You...
I Am

dogfaceboy said...

Hi, GT. Thanks for your comment. Your link said you wanted a critique, but I'm not sure about doing that, since I don't know you.

But one of the things I've learned as a writer is to suspect all adverbs. Usually I find that a stronger verb will remove the need for any of them.

That's my tip of the day!

ecm said...

i really liked the line shell-like crevices, very nice.

Becca said...

A marvelous, sensual poem that certainly works for me as a prose poem. And I like it as a dream poem :)

Well done!

magiceye said...

sensuously delightful

Jone said...

Sensual is the word that popped up for me. And you surprise us in the end. Very enjoyable to read.
Thanks for visiting me.

Liza Lee Miller said...

Wonderful! Very moving and poignant.
Thank you!

Norma said...

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. This had quite a surprise for us. Like Dogfaceboy, I've also read the cautions about adverbs. Usually when I've ruthlessly cut them, the piece--prose or poem--is stronger. But they follow me home like a lost puppy!

Sideon said...

I love the word "ambrosial."

What a great way to start a Friday morning - thank you! I read the prose and the poem form, and I think I like the prose format better. The language is rich and sensual, the images are immediate and present. The conclusion as prose is less jarring, more of a softer "let down" than the poem format.

Beards and/or goatees rock :)

strauss said...

I loved the billowing curtains line. I love that image, like deep sighing breath, but I also was left feeling empty and let down by the final words. Perhaps you could have explored that a bit more, extended that feeling of alone and the woman's own emptiness in waking up alone, so we the readers coudl feel for her. Otherwise great imagery.

gautami tripathy said...

I really do not feel the ending is abrupt. We are always woken up rudely from our dreams. I wanted to show exactly that.

No one can really analyse ones own feeling in that state of sleep awake state. It happens or it does not.

Thanks for your inputs.

Cynthia said...

Written as a prose poem, the feeling was smooth, long, sensual lines...like a hand gliding down a lovers body. When written with line breaks, I could focus on the individual line...like a lover stopping at each point on the other lover's "map." I loved the ending. As you could see from mine, I am not scared of a bad ending. But was it bad? Perhaps they will be togther tomorrow for more and more and more. Good, satisfying.

Tammy said...

This really helped me alot! I liked it as prose even better and realized my poetry is probably more prose. Wonderful!

tiffany et al. said...

very intimate and sensual.

Kai C. said...

wow its beautiful & now i'm going to write one ofmy own

daisies said...

I love this and I adore that you showed it in both forms ~ I love how the form changes the way I read, thus changing the piece for me just a bit : )

beautiful!

Homo Escapeons said...

Great lesson from a wonderful Teacher.
I would be hard pressed to choose a favorite form...the latter did allow me to pause and inhale.

I did not wince at the sad ending because usually dreams are more concentrated and therefore more powerful...
or maybe I'm just doing something wrong!
Anyway I am glad that my beard has finally softened so that I can...you know...do some tickling.

pepektheassassin said...

Very nice! I love the orange moon, the lace curtains, and the shadows...

Don Iannone said...

Well done, Gautami! Never did prose poetry per se, but some of my poems seem prose-like. Hope you are well.

whitney said...

Wonderful poem! I liked all the descriptions. It was so easy to picture what was going on. I really liked how it ended, even though it was sad :o)

madd said...

this was yummy..yes yummy and so real, how many of us if we are really honest have had this very same experience and woke up..damn but it felt real, just as your piece took us on this back to our very own dreams journey..loved it both ways..nicely done..I wrote one that is very simular..was fun to write as it once again felt so real..thanks for the stop by apprecuiate your thoughts..m

Rethabile said...

The fact that I like it better without the line breaks means, I guess, that it is more prose poetry (proetry?) than anything else. Out of curiosity, which came first?

Within Without said...

Wow, Gautami. I think you excel at writing these kinds of erotic, sensual things...

The sudden ending worked well because of the effectiveness of the words before it that got me into a lustful series of images and then, WOP!

I would have initially said I like the line breaks version more because it has more structure.

But going back, I think it also works unbroken. I like both versions!

gautami tripathy said...

For all those bearded males, it seems they loved it. Beards are, well, very sensual to the aroused skin.

I repeat, beards ROCK!

rethabile: I wrote the prose version first and the got around for line breaks. It is not poetry but prose poetry, I think.

Within without: Welcome back. You were missed.

Tikkis said...

This proetry of yours is nice, of course :-) Poem-formed is a little bit easier to read? But there is, I hope, better ending lines, something like these:

"So, at five o'clock in the morning they fell asleep and the rising sun saw them sleeping happily together!"

Seriously, yours is better of course, because every one perhaps were waiting this sleeping at 5 o'clock?

:-)

gautami tripathy said...

tikkis, if I had written the predictable ending then that would have been some kind of mushy writing straight out of a romance novel. I did not want that. I wanted exactly the effect hat it has had.

I wanted fiction and facts to merge...

samuru999 said...

Hi Gautami
No critique from me.
I loved this....
You did a wonderful job.
Thank you for your visits and kind words while I was away from blogging...I do appreciate it!
I will be back to posting on Sunday!
Well, I guess it is already Sunday there.
Hope you are having a good weekend!
Take care!

Margie

Ó Seasnáin said...

You asked for a critique:

it works well as prose. I think that you are repeating yourself too much (softly touching, lightly kissing...), and you "tell" a lot" (what is the flavor of "the essence of her" - you say he tastes it). Avoid vague words/phrases like "glorious," "to her core," "essence," and clichés (sweet cheeks and etc.). The concrete image of his tickling beard gave him a little more substance, and it works well. But I don't connect with her at all.

I like that this leaves one wondering about the possible one-night-stand or dream (no certainty), and I like that there is nothing that expresses her feelings at the end (same reason as above). It seems that we only meet them in the moment, and then they fade into the light of day like a shadow to leave us to question "was it real?"

Crafty Green Poet said...

Romantic, then we find its all a dream, but what a dream!

Lady Wordsmith said...

"...Her dark sleep- smudged eyes..."

I love that phrase. Terrific image for setting the stage.

That being stated, let me say that I agree with you completely. The PT prompt was tough for me. Every where you see it said that prose poetry is a poem without the line-breaks. I think that's too simple a definition. I don't think it's a matter of line-breaks = poetry and lack of them = prose (usually).

I am still not sure what best defines or qualifies a piece of writing as prose poetry, or simply prose with poetic imagery. But I think it has something to do with story-telling.

Poems, with and without line breaks,us tell stories without stating the details. (Maybe this is why some folks commented on the use of adjectives?) Poems tell the story through the images, similies, and yes, the occasional line-breaks.

Prose will use some of those elements, but not as a rule, and not exclusively. Prose tells the story by telling us the details. Explaining what the character feels rather than hinting or suggesting.

I may be wrong about the story telling theory, but I suspect the more we delve into what is and what isn't prose poetry, the better we will ultimately become at writing poems (regardless of form) and prose (again, regardless of form).

Thanks for allowing me to muddle through this business of prose poetry some more.

And more importantly, thank you very kindly for your comments regarding my Sylvia post.

Lady Wordsmith said...

Oh! I almost forgot ... another thank you for giving due praise to the beard!

I absolutely love men with beards. They melt me ... mmmm

I do believe/hope the more praise, and sensual praise at that, we give to beards - the more men will sport them.

polona said...

mmmmm... loved it in both forms!
and i agree, there is something about men's beards that makes them so sexy :)

sage said...

I think I like the prose from better--it's seems softer and more entangled, like love. I should have commented earlier that I like the beard (I've had my current beard for 9 years!)

Buffalo said...

Incredible!

gautami tripathy said...

Welcome back Margie. Good to see you. I missed you.


o seasnain: Thanks for the detailed critique. I think the repetition is needed in prose but not in poetry. As far as poetry goes I am a minimalist. I can write poetry in less than six words.

I did not intend is as one-night stand. Dream, yes. Thanks for giving me another insight.

Lady wordsmith: I too think in asimilar way. Very difficult to define what is a prose poetry. But I think I will stick to proper poetry..:)

You are right. If we told men how sensual they look with beards, they wouldn't be in a hurry to get rid of it.

polona, thanks. Bearded men ARE sexy!

Sage, keep that beard..:D

Buffalo: Thanks.

Bill said...

Gautami, have you thought of writing this in the present tense?

chiefbiscuit said...

I like it as a prose poem.

puerileuwaite said...

Normally I don't associate "pert" with a nose. Still, it was a most enjoyable poem (in both formats, although I prefer the prose style for this piece), and evoked memories of "Lady Chatterly's Pug" (which was written about yours truly).

RuKsaK said...

excellent - wonderfully done and a great exercise in poetry vs prose. my personal take is that there is little difference when the writing is good. i definitely want to be coming back here - linked you.

gautami tripathy said...

bill: In the present tense, its impact is more. I like your suggestion.

chiefbiscuit: Thanks. I liked your too.

puerileuwaite: Gee thanks. I better chk that... Tell me where.

ruksak: Thanks. Do keep coming. Thanks for linking me.