Gazing in to her misted eyes,
he signed the marriage contract.
Giving in with softest of sighs,
she thought, “so what if he has cataract?!”
.......................................................................
# It is but a rough draft. I am not satisfied with it. I can't seem to get it the way I desire it. I posted it anyway. Suggestions are welcome.
18 comments:
yeh yeh feels like something is missin...but i tink this one is candid and funny.
But her eyes are the ones that are "misted." So I think maybe the cataract is actually in her eye and she only thinks it's in his.
Star crossed lovers I guess. Maybe eye crossed if they keep inspecting each other for cataracts so much I guess...
VEY DEEP
You really do not want to know!
Extremely funny ... blind delusion heh!
Have a wonderful day.
leave it as it is, raw and honest.
buffalo: Thanks!
ghosty: The point is what is missing? Any clue?
paul: I wanted to conveyexactly that. The cataract is in her eyes. I didn't think it has come across that well. From your comments it seems it has..
kai: How deep, sweety?
whitesnake: try me!
trinitystar: Thanks.
dsnake1: As I still can't decide what is missing, I will leave it as it is for now.
What if he does? Funny. Good one!
very clever
The 5 CARAT ring on her finger helped to COUNTERACT the involuntary CONTRACTION in her digestive TRACT.
gautami, i like it.
i find it clever and amusing ;)
Misted eyes reflecting,
marriage contract signed
sighing now, softly she wonders,
what if the mote,
is actually a cataract?
Hope you don't mind, I couldn't resist playing a bit.
Rose
xo
very interesting --- I would leave it as it is
The music's there. But if you feel it's not right, tweak some more until it becomes "untweakable."
I like it Gautami!
It's funny!
Good job!
don, ascenderrisesabove, polona and margie: thanks.
h.e./donn: It does seem that way, the CHIP is heavier than the cataract!
dewyknickers: you version stands alone too. Thanks.
andrew: I am not so sure but if nothing comes within a day or two, I will live is as it is.
rethabile: You know how the mind of a poet works. The bug is not letting me rest easy. I still can't get it right.
I really like your experiments with twisted endings - this verse for instance is very witty and defintely clever!
lotus: methinks you are biased!
Post a Comment