Saturday, February 03, 2007

Finally....Sunday Scribblings

This week's Sunday Scribblings post for Goodbyes has acted as a kind of catharsis for me. An open goodbye from me, in broken sentences, disjointed thoughts. I have not edited it. I could not edit it.

Having known you for long,
I never thought one day I would stop knowing you.
Stop thinking of you.
Stop loving you.
Stop to share myself with you.
Stop.
Just stop.
How does anyone stop?
That complete whole part, how does one break it deliberately?
How does one even contemplate it?
Seems impossible, doesn’t it?

But I had to do this.
For myself.
For my sanity.
This unhealthy subjugation of me was taking a toll.
In all way possible.

I say good bye in the only way I can.
Cremating all that was there inside my mind
in the funeral pyre that is burning so bright within my heart,
within my mind,
within my soul.
Along with that I burn myself….
freeing me from that state which had taken hold of me
for so long
that I couldn’t see beyond it…

Finally I am free.
Free from that self-destructing force.
Finally I could do it.
Finally I said goodbye.
Finally I can see beyond you.

See within myself.

For more on goodbyes, check here.

63 comments:

dailypanic said...

Brave.

Kai C. said...

so sweet & sad.

Percival said...

Please, no - take back not thine poeme...

"Baby come back -
Any kind of fool can see
I am lost and I just can't
Live without cha."

- I forget. Beegees? No, I don't think so.

But please, I don't know what I've done here... Subjugated? I really thought you were sort of the bossy one in our relationship. I don't mean this in an unkind way, I admire strong women.

Ardently Yours,
Percy Bysshe Silly

/t. said...

love the
third verse

send you this:

third verse from leonard cohen's 'joan of arc' (a conversation between joan & fire)

Then fire, make your body cold,
I'm going to give you mine to hold,
Saying this she climbed inside
To be his one, to be his only bride.
And deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of joan of arc,
And high above the wedding guests
He hung the ashes of her wedding dress.

/t.

ann said...

oh my.... powerful and moving and resonant of thoughts in my own head... but expressed far betterbmkbdg

ann said...

ooops.. sorry.. no wonder I couldn't post; I'd typed the word verification letters in my comment... doh!!!!!!

Buffalo said...

Powerful!

Paris Parfait said...

I've been through a similar relationship. Very powerful piece.

GoGo said...

well done. I've felt this kind of goodbye before we're we let go of all the things that blur our whole self convincing us without something out there, we are not in fact whole.

My favorite line, "Cremating all that was there inside my mind
in the funeral pyre that is burning so bright within my heart..."

Bongga Mom said...

What a great love you must have had to be able to write this!

firebird said...

No need for editing here--it flows just like you think and feel--
and I guess we've all been there!

It takes guts to go through with it, though,
also to write about it so honestly--
Very well done!

I loved your previous post, too!

Cate said...

Such a strong poem, I feel. I can relate so much to the questions that you ask and the feelings that you convey. I'm glad that the process of writing it was cathartic.

Beautiful work!

maureen said...

gautami, i agree with Firebird that it takes courage to write with the kind of honesty you have. Your thoughts and feelings come through very clearly. The stanza, "Cremating all that was there
inside my mind
in the funeral pyre .... " that for me, is the most powerful part of the poem. And that you begin by asking questions. Sometimes there are no perfectly clear answers to the questions. The fire sheds light on what seems impossible.

whitesnake said...

It takes a strong woman with a gentle heart to reach deep and come up with such magical wording

kj said...

wow. you've written a gem here. i hope the person you've released was a total jerk. that makes it alot easier....

your courage is obvious. i wish you everything good!

Regina Clare Jane said...

This is a very powerful poem, Gautami. I don't know if goodbyes are any easier when we're the ones making the decision to say goodbye, but it certainly seems to give us a power and strength beyond any that we knew...
Really wonderful...

dsnake1 said...

raw and bleeding.

just leave it as it is , gautami.
i like it.

floots said...

well done
i hope it has helped

Amalendu said...

great act...and you wrote it so well...

JourneyThroughLIfe said...

Wow. I can see why you could relate to my post. I can certainly relate to yours as well. In fact, I admire your words and your bravery. Thank you for commenting on my blog and sending me over here, for you have added to the strength that I need to follow my convictions.
JTL
xxx

Waspgoddess said...

Speechless, so painful and so true. Thank you.

GreenishLady said...

Very powerfully described feelings. That burning... it attracts me as an image. Thank you.

Inconsequential said...

cool :)

there is no end until memories fade.

Pat Paulk said...

Powerful Gautami!!

s said...

i think of 'Lady Lazarus' rising from the ash with red hair.

baptism by fire - it takes much courage to go through it, but those who dare, get only stronger, no?

=)

Kamsin said...

Powerful poem.

sognatrice said...

Congratulations on everything. Beautiful poem.

AnnieElf said...

Powerful. This line - "This unhealthy subjugation of me was taking a toll." especially touched me. It speaks very much to what I am doing for myself right now. Thank you for visiting. I will return for more of your poetry.

Crafty Green Poet said...

Very poweful, especially the third stanza and I can well relate too.

polona said...

the first thing on my mind when i read this was wow! powerfull stuff... but i see others have felt the same.
takes courage to write like that and you did it so well!

Tikkis said...

My wrist watch stopped.
The battery was dead.
Bought a new one.
Gave a new life
for my wrist watch!

Margaret said...

I am so glad that you could break free. I know it is hard, but it seems that it was the best thing you could do for yourself. You are a strong and courageous woman.

sage said...

awesome!!!

sage

Pauline said...

You have so beautifully pointed out that the end of one thing is the beginning of another...

Janie Hickok Siess, Esq. said...

Powerful.
Moving.
Empowering.

We can all relate.

BTW, the song percival referenced was by Ambrosia, I believe.

Don't go back. Not if your poem is honest.

You will end up at the same place.
And have to go through it all again.
Trust me on that.
I'm no expert.
And I've never walked in your shoes, but . . .

I've learned the hard way too many times!

Thanks for visiting this morning! I will be reading more of your posts.

Tammy said...

I've felt these thougths and I'm glad we are free!

sage said...

powerful and sad

January said...

What a powerful post. I was struck by many lines, this one in particular:

"Cremating all that was there inside my mind"

Thanks for sharing your words.

Keshi said...

sweet yet very sad! I just hate Goodbyes.

Keshi.

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

This is an interesting way to look at it.

magiceye said...

passionate goodbye!

Bug said...

i love the line, how does anyone stop? It's something I wonder quite a bit!

The Quintessential Feline said...

Wow! Well written!!

G said...

Courageous, independent, raw.

Jane said...

Absolutely beautiful post! I'll keep coming back to read these words over and over.

KG said...

Good for your for getting out of that, as difficult as it was. Difficult, I can really sense that. But I can tell you are stronger for it.

angel said...

wow. just wow.

GeL(Emerald Eyes) said...

Self-realization writing from your heart. I easily understand why you could not edit it. (See the preface on mine. That's why it has not changed from rough draft in 2 years.))

Hugs,
GeL 500 Miles- Taking the Bull by Its Horns

puerileuwaite said...

Gautami, I LOVE this poem. If only more of us heeded the wisdom that it contains.

Onward, onward, as Katherine Hepburn was fond of saying (she also was famous for saying, "Norman ... is that you? Which really doesn't apply here).

megan said...

it's no one's job to be subjugated...the only true role to play is your own character. be grateful to be free.

gautami tripathy said...

Thanks friends. I am unable to say that individually. I appreciate your concern and support.

I love my blogger friends!

percival: It is over, done with.

Shoo!

gautami tripathy said...

/t: Simply loved the verse you posted here. Thanks!

tania said...

i love the brutal emotional honesty of this. it shows real courage to put your feelings out there like this. thank you for sharing.

and thanks for all the supportive comments on my blog :)

Geosomin said...

That's really beautiful...you're very discriptive. I could see in my head so many different images and ideas. It made me smile to read the clarity and strength in it.

twilightspider said...

You're right, this does echo my own writing this week.

You shouldn't edit this - the raw emotion is part of what makes it so powerful.

MB said...

Sad and strong.

gautami tripathy said...

tania, thanks. Sometimes getting it all out is all it takes to accept it and move on. You are welcome anytime.

geosomin, twilightspider and mb: Thanks. I appreciate it.

Jone said...

I like your honesty and raw emotion. I have had this good-bye before.

Borut said...

In a debata some time ago, a mature woman said it takes seven years for a woman to feee herself from a previous relationship. Not being a woman, I might add: Can take even more, much more!:) A good one! Freedom takes time!:)

gautami tripathy said...

jone: Hugs!

borut: yes. It is not easy to let go.

Lotus Reads said...

Goodness girl, this is such a fantastic piece of writing! I have never believed in burning bridges, I have always clung to my past, including my exes, but I see now, that sometimes you do need a complete severance of ties to make a fresh start.

I have enjoyed reading this! When it comes to the written word you soar, Gautami! I love it! :)

gautami tripathy said...

It is not easy, Lotus. Very painful.

pluto said...

Hi, Gautami!

Thanks for dropping by plutoland. Actually, I quoted a line from your poem in my latest post. I hope that's okay. (I gave you credit and linked to this entry.)