if you ever change your mind, give me a ring
we’ll check out the weather to take out the boat.
carrying food, clothes, other essential things
going out sailing, whirring away- keep afloat.
sleeping it out, soaking warmth of the sun, in.
to prevent you from sunburns, I put up a shade
applying lotions, sunscreens on your fair skin;
so soft, so smooth to touch, as velvety as suede.
if you rather not, we might go to an isolated beach-
watch those sea waves so beautifully green-blue.
against my better judgement I would slowly reach
out, pulling you into me all of me to love all of you.
just when you ask me to take you back to land
reaching for your finger, I push in the gold band!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope this works as a contemporary sonnet!
22 comments:
There's a lot going on here - I like the ring thing on the first and last line - and 'as velvety as suede'
This sonnet certainly does have a contemporary feel to it. I like the way you've structured it starting with 'If' and then repeating it for the turn at line 9 and then switching to 'just when' for the couplet at the end.
pulling you into me all of me to love all of you
I love this line, Gautami, it's gorgeous, so expressive.
'against my better judgement I would slowly reach out, pulling you into me all of me to love all of you.'
is still echoing
beautifully
Whoa. vwd, Complex like an intense relationship and every detail has meaning.
it works wonderfully on paper... now if we could just figure out how to make it work in real life!!!!!
I like it. Contemporary, for sure!
You really pulled me in, even with the ring. ;)
If you don't know about it already there is a sight for sonnets...
http://www.sonnetwriters.com/
Yaar tum achha likhti ho.
Oh, I so want to be there right now! Thank you for fourteen lines of escape! Lovely images in here!
Absolutely!
Shakespeare Gautami: Sonnet, get on it, bring back tomorrow, doggone it.
wow! that was well done.....such a difficult type of poem to write because it seems to me it's almost like a short story.
i'm glad i stopped by micheles in order to stop by here! Hi from michele and me.
Wow, Gautami...this is pretty intense! You would be very attentive and loving to this person...
Pardon my ignorance, I don't get the last line about pushing in the gold band...must just be me...
But beautiful words and very emotive...
Beautiful writing. It feels like doors are being left open for someday in this lovely sonnet.
You're a remarkable talent, Gautami. Michele recognized that early on.
like the sentiment here
(but i am allergic to rings - literal and figurative) :)
thank you
shade/suede !
it's wondrful.
The first line ending in ring left me fleetingly with the idea of a wedding ring. The second line showed me it was a call instead. But then the end brought me right back to the original impression and made a perfect circle.
Ooh, you got me. -Alex
nice, wonderful images, you may become the contemporary sonnet poet of the new century!
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