Thursday, February 26, 2009

bop it!

I look above the sky
searching for your face
looking down,
I itch and scratch
stomping my feet
on the ground. don't you know

if I didn’t have rocks in my shoes
I’d run more. to you.

why the hell did I walk
in this heat on the tarred road?
why did I let your words fool me
now my shoes are stuck.
with a false smile on my face
I keep cursing you
and I gotta tell you

if I didn’t have rocks in my shoes
I’d run more. to you.

to have a last look at you
to make you squirm
under my gaze
to shake you from your stupor
wiping your gloating smile
happily watch you disintegrate

if I didn’t have rocks in my shoes
I’d run more.
from you.


*******

Here the refrain line is courtsey of deb

The Bop:

First stanza, six lines presenting a situation, event, or problem.
Two line refrain.
Second stanza, eight lines, expanding on the first stanza.
Two line refrain.
Third stanza, six lines, resolving or concluding the poem.
Two line refrain.



28 comments:

Linda Jacobs said...

I love this! Wow, the images are so crisp and your emotion really comes through!

BTW, I fixed the Mr. linky and added your link. Sorry!

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

I don't know what to say, G, except I really adored this.

magiceye said...

oh! i love this so!
beautiful!

Lorraine said...

You are so imaginative, an original, for sure ;)

Jeeves said...

I just loved this:)

susan said...

I like this bop form. I like how you use the repetition, too.

rosey said...

Wow, this is terrific! I think I'll leave bopping to the experts like you, and save my bopping for the dance floor!

sam said...

I must say the imagery of this poem is pretty strong. Nice one!

rads said...

Nicely done gautami. I liked the refrain :-)

"Philo" said...

The change from "to you" to "from you" in the last stanza: that makes this poem zing!

anthonynorth said...

Another clever one. Marvellous.

Robin Konarz said...

I love the repetition in this form and the way you worked with it. I could feel the strong emotion from your words. Excellent!

Thanks for stopping by. I agree with your comment.

Deb said...

Wow, Gautami! You took the refrain and really ran with it (sorry for the cliche' but I couldn't help myself!)

Terrific imagery that works so well with the form. It's fun to read! (And thanks for using those lines. It was a pleasure to read them in this poem! Now they are yours. My original is http://stoneymoss.org/2009/01/02/imitation-as-collaboration/ as the last lines.)

Borut said...

Really like this one!:)

Whitesnake said...

Pretty good job on this one!

SweetTalkingGuy.. said...

Love the repetition and the twist in the final refrain - not sure about the conclusion line 'happily watch you disintergrate' though, as it has a sadistic finality to it. Phew!

*distingrate?

Stan Ski said...

All that torment, but you had the last laugh.

Tumblewords: said...

Great stuff - sings, zings and takes wing...

angie said...

This is wonderful! Cleverly done!

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

very nice work! by the way, I like the old picture better. :)

erin said...

i loved this!,outstanding!

artpredator said...

cool example of a bop! good for you!

Pretty Me!! said...

interesting !!have to try it !!

Raven's Wing Poetry said...

I like this. Good use of the refrain.

Beloved Dreamer said...

Tami, this is just great. I'm afraid that I did it wrong.
Your images are great stuff. well done my friend.

James said...

I like the shift in the refrain at the end and how it makes me wonder if the rocks could be just an excuse.

Janice Thomson said...

This is really cool Guatami! The repetition is perfect. Love the twist at the end!

polona said...

the turn in the last refrain really nails this