Wednesday, February 04, 2009

illicitly intertwined

your fingers-
crumple the pages
making it illicit

call it illicit?
your syringe hits
my nerve

twitching nerves
jerk, I crumple
falling on the floor

floor hugs me
coolness embraces
me. illicit?

35 comments:

Serena said...

I like the images in this poem and the forcefulness in the last stanza. I would just leave the last line with "me. illicit." rather than adding the query.

I think the question detracts from the meaning and lessens its impact. Just a thought...take it or leave it.

gautami tripathy said...

Serena, I fixed it. As you say, more effective now...

Sepiru Chris said...

I especially like the middle two stanzas. Those are fantastic.

I wonder if the crumples in the second line of the first stanza should be singular present tense; your call.

Again, fantastic central two stanzas.

anthonynorth said...

Illicit intent, but excellent words.

totomai said...

agree with sepiru, the middle stanzas brings life to this poem of yours.

floreta said...

i like the questions you ask. and the imagery of syring hitting nerve.

Pat Paulk said...

Not sure it's an illicit entanglement I care to wind around.
Good piece Gautami.

Noah the Great said...

Tight, concise, and expressive.

polona said...

packed with power. love it

Winnie the poohi said...

ah... i loved the poem.. but somehow the last stanza seems disjoint from rest of the poem...

And yet.. such tender expressions and visual imagery..

you paint with your words! beautiful!

Marianne H. Nielsen said...

I like your choice of words in, 'floor hugs me coolness embraces' I could feel it....lovely.

Tumblewords: said...

I'm really enjoying the poem train/chain...nicely done!

Janice Thomson said...

Short powerful lines Guatami - the imagery excellent.

ThomG said...

I really like how you linked this together with the last word being repeated as the first word. Well done.

~willow~ said...

The syringe and nerve stanza really resonated with me for some reason. I imagine star-crossed lovers in addition's haze intertwined seeking feeling and meaning but finding... only themselves.

Homo Escapeons said...

At first I was a little nervous about all of the junkie references tainting the beautiful act of human reproduction, but then I began to see beyond the metaphorical expression that equates orgasm with a Heroin rush.

Since both experiences are really just chemical reactions in the brain I see the connection.

Very interesting.

Jeeves said...

Illicitly beautiful :D. Like this.

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

it's very interesting how you do this!

Pretty Me!! said...

you are too good with words :)

Lorraine said...

I once lived that, and never in a million years could I have told its awful experience the way you just did... Guatami, thank you, what a huge release!
fear shared is fear gone

Fledgling Poet said...

This packs a powerful punch...I could feel the hard coolness of that floor, despite its hugs.

M as in Mint said...

Very interesting format; well done!

SweetTalkingGuy said...

You're so cool! Is that Illicit?

Bill said...

Your experiments with the 3-line form are consistently interesting, gautami.

Serena said...

Gautami: I like it better without a question mark at the end, but you can keep it if you like it. It's your poem. I do like it with illicit as the last word!

Ann (bunnygirl) said...

I like the way you worked the 3WW prompt into such a tight space multiple times. It's so much easier to work with more words than with less.

Raven's Wing Poetry said...

I read a nice comparison between addiction and infatuation in these lines. It certain hits home. Nice write.

-Nicole

Crystal Phares said...

very expressive and powerful. I like it.

Stan Ski said...

Packed with sharp images and almost tactile words.

Just someone said...

Very expressive! You really have a way with words...

...deb said...

illicit is one of my favorite words. good use of it here.

"Philo" said...

I was thinking:

...
me. illicit?
ill, I sit.


Daily Panic said...

your words always have such great expression.

Wayne Pitchko said...

No questions..with the illicit smile on my face...nice words.

one more believer said...

yes, g this is so similar... i luv the reflection...hothothot... referring to the 3www post of course...