Thursday, May 28, 2009

it hurt like a dead man's calling

it hurt like a dead man's calling

with all that silence between us
I kept on inhaling cigarette smoke
you kept on staring beyond me

it hurt like a dead man's calling

my feet tapped on the chipped floor
head was somewhere on the roof
but your stance did not change

it hurt like a dead man's calling

I did see your eyes blinking fast
once, twice, more I lost all count
I let my arms loose and dangling

it hurt like a dead man's calling

tumbled down, broken to pieces
both stretched to our limits
damaged irreparably

it hurt like a dead man's calling

I moved, standing in front of you
you moved, standing in front of me
bitterly at once, we turned away

it hurt like a dead man's calling



23 comments:

Catherine said...

The refrain sets up a really interesting tension in this piece

Donald Harbour said...

Gautami, this is really good. I think it is one of the better pieces you have written. I liked the repetition of verse to contain and emphasis the emotional pain. It was a punctuation of the moment.

Michelle Johnson said...

Why does it always hurt so bad when two people go there separate ways? You've written this piece conveying that pain, well. Have a nice day.

Rajlakshmi said...

//you kept on staring beyond me// ... so touching...
this piece beautifully sad...
well penned...

Nathan said...

Yes, the refrain provides an excellent punctuation to the movement of stanzas.

irenet said...

The refrain is haunting.

Deb said...

This captured me straight away: "with all that silence between us / I kept on inhaling cigarette smoke" sets a tone that keeps getting at the pain in a place of division.

gigidiaz said...

From the first two lines you already set a painful, empty, mood between them, clearly written for us to feel, not just read.

This is really great.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

I'm really curious about this whole dead man's calling thing. It seems to hover over everything, as if it's as real as the metaphor it's being used as.

Or is it?

andy said...

The refrain makes this work and holds the piece together as a song. And I think it would still work as a poem without the repetition.
I love the way you got the 'bitter end' onto the last line.

Linda Jacobs said...

Yes, this refrain is very unique! I say that it would work as a song!

Bone said...

I felt like I was standing there watching the scene. I especially liked the line "head was somewhere on the roof." That was really unique. Also "damaged irreparably" because it's so true. And the last stanza with them getting in each other's way. Such a great metaphor.

Janice Thomson said...

Very emotive and poignant piece - the repetition emphasizing pain and sadness.

Erin Davis said...

The refrain really ties everything together with a sense of hopeless pain.

Jeeves said...

Love the pauses and the flow.

gabrielle said...

I can hear the dead man calling. Is this what killed him? Or is it a slow death we all endure?

anthonynorth said...

I feel a ballad coming on. Nicely done.

dsnake1 said...

there's a lot of tension and pain in this. and the refrain works, holding the piece together. Like watching a series of film stills. :)

Raven's Wing Poetry said...

I was moved to read it with and without the refrain...and it worked well both ways, but the refrain really adds something here. I LOVE it. Plus your words were very visual...which is something that I look for when I read poetry. Good work, Gautami.

-Nicole

Bill said...

after the quarrel
two cigarette butts
side by side

Paul Maurice Martin said...

For some reason this reminds me of a scene from a movie in black and white, maybe forties era.

I know that's totally subjective - no idea why I get that!

Wayne Pitchko said...

hmmm very nicely done...sonds like a good canadian ballad to me....KD Lang...Neil Young or Leonard Cohen

Whitesnake said...

should have been dead man walking!