it hurt like a dead man's calling
with all that silence between us
I kept on inhaling cigarette smoke
you kept on staring beyond me
it hurt like a dead man's calling
my feet tapped on the chipped floor
head was somewhere on the roof
but your stance did not change
it hurt like a dead man's calling
I did see your eyes blinking fast
once, twice, more I lost all count
I let my arms loose and dangling
it hurt like a dead man's calling
tumbled down, broken to pieces
both stretched to our limits
damaged irreparably
it hurt like a dead man's calling
I moved, standing in front of you
you moved, standing in front of me
bitterly at once, we turned away
it hurt like a dead man's calling
23 comments:
The refrain sets up a really interesting tension in this piece
Gautami, this is really good. I think it is one of the better pieces you have written. I liked the repetition of verse to contain and emphasis the emotional pain. It was a punctuation of the moment.
Why does it always hurt so bad when two people go there separate ways? You've written this piece conveying that pain, well. Have a nice day.
//you kept on staring beyond me// ... so touching...
this piece beautifully sad...
well penned...
Yes, the refrain provides an excellent punctuation to the movement of stanzas.
The refrain is haunting.
This captured me straight away: "with all that silence between us / I kept on inhaling cigarette smoke" sets a tone that keeps getting at the pain in a place of division.
From the first two lines you already set a painful, empty, mood between them, clearly written for us to feel, not just read.
This is really great.
I'm really curious about this whole dead man's calling thing. It seems to hover over everything, as if it's as real as the metaphor it's being used as.
Or is it?
The refrain makes this work and holds the piece together as a song. And I think it would still work as a poem without the repetition.
I love the way you got the 'bitter end' onto the last line.
Yes, this refrain is very unique! I say that it would work as a song!
I felt like I was standing there watching the scene. I especially liked the line "head was somewhere on the roof." That was really unique. Also "damaged irreparably" because it's so true. And the last stanza with them getting in each other's way. Such a great metaphor.
Very emotive and poignant piece - the repetition emphasizing pain and sadness.
The refrain really ties everything together with a sense of hopeless pain.
Love the pauses and the flow.
I can hear the dead man calling. Is this what killed him? Or is it a slow death we all endure?
I feel a ballad coming on. Nicely done.
there's a lot of tension and pain in this. and the refrain works, holding the piece together. Like watching a series of film stills. :)
I was moved to read it with and without the refrain...and it worked well both ways, but the refrain really adds something here. I LOVE it. Plus your words were very visual...which is something that I look for when I read poetry. Good work, Gautami.
-Nicole
after the quarrel
two cigarette butts
side by side
For some reason this reminds me of a scene from a movie in black and white, maybe forties era.
I know that's totally subjective - no idea why I get that!
hmmm very nicely done...sonds like a good canadian ballad to me....KD Lang...Neil Young or Leonard Cohen
should have been dead man walking!
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