Monday, May 14, 2007

Demented Vision---Pantoum

I had been watching a total stranger drinking a milk shake, all the while thinking and shaking his head. He got up with a jerky movement as if he saw someone and left just as quickly. Inspired by the whole episode, I wrote this Pantoum. Another form of structured poetry. It has not come out very well but what the hell! I am still posting it here. Feel free to to critique it.

Double Vision

coolly drinking his spiked milk shake
he contemplates at nothing specific
swirling his glass, he does a double take
wiping his eyes, deeming it as a trick

he contemplates at nothing specific
biting his nails, scratching his head
wiping his eyes, deeming it as a trick
few of his doubts needing to be shed

biting his nails, scratching his head
he talks aloud to no one particular
few of his doubts needing to be shed
holding his glass, he asks for a regular

he talks aloud to no one particular
hearing himself talk like a moron
holding his glass, he asks for a regular
tastes it again, bitter feelings gone

hearing himself talk like a moron
checks himself & before he gets up
tastes it again, bitter feelings gone
asks for a cigar, takes in a long puff

checks himself & before he gets up
coolly drinking his spiked milk shake
asks for a cigar, takes in a long puff
swirling his glass, he does a double take?


21 comments:

iamnasra said...

Hope all is well with you..I enjoyed the image that you created in here

Keshi said...

Ur quite observant Gautami. This was a very graphic post.

Keshi.

Clare said...

Hi Gautami, I think this pantoum is really good -- I can't think of anything that really needs to be changed. It creates a clear picture and feeling, and I really like the line "few of his doubts needing to be shed."

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

really interesting---

Rose Dewy Knickers said...

LOL. I love this. I can picture the entire scene thanks to your keen sight and rapier wit. :)

Rose

xo

Clockworkchris said...

This was a wonderful pantoum. I think I tried one over the weekend and it did not turn out well. You are so good at creating imagery and keeping with the structure of a poem the way it was meant to be.

Pat Paulk said...

All that from a milkshake?? I think it was spiked!!

Paul said...

I guess you were really attracted to this guy then...

polona said...

i really love this one, gautami!

ozymandiaz said...

I think your a bit harsh on yourself. I found it a fun read if nothing else. The form did seem to be fitting of the subjusct matter.

sage said...

you nicely caught his movements and action, good job Gautami

floots said...

interesting form
like the narrative too
you could expand it into a fine short story
cheers

Ghost Particle said...

ah..twisty and nice!!!!

magiceye said...

stressed out urban dweller!!! beautiful!

gautami tripathy said...

Dear friends, thanks for your comments. I will write more pantoums.
That way you can come and critique those too..:D

floots, I will consider writing short stories on all my observations.

Borut said...

Two contemplatives - the observer and the observed!?:)A good read.

Beloved Dreamer said...

This is a wonderful poem. You are an observer
of life.
I think for your comments my dear friend. And forgive my typo.

love-bd

Rob Kistner said...

Very intriguing piece Gautami -- very interesting and enjoyable read.

I have never attempted a poem of this circular structure. You have inspired me. :)

Beaman said...

Gautami, I enjoyed this. You should definitely write some short stories based on 'people watching'. I say this from one 'person watcher' to another. :)
The structure is fascinating, as it has been in all your recent poems.

Ces said...

You are amazing.

Lotus Reads said...

Gautami, I love how your muses are so varied and can turn up anywhere...I enjoyed this poem!