I started this as a tale of revenge but I could not develop it the way I wanted to. I am posting it with loose ends or I should say loose middle! The beginning and ending seem right. Critiques are welcome. I need suggestions to get it right.
* Update: I added another stanza and changed it slightly. Hope now it reads better. There is still scope for improvement though.
Aftermath----Terza Rima
.
With precise conduct, he laid down his appliances.
Checking those for umpteenth time, he stealthily
searched & found her. Holding his belief abeyance,
he could not suppress his elation. His endurance
had paid off; he had gained time, planning carefully.
with the exclusion of what others had predictably
said about him. With muted pondering, oblivious
to sense of righteousness, calmly and wordlessly
wiping clean each single thought within his mind,
sliced her with his knife, cutting the flesh effortlessly
as if, he did it every day of his life. The intertwined
fingers, he separated slowly, the matt platinum ring
being only jewellery. Immediately pocketing his find,
closing his eyes to everything, he pulled the string,
hearing it give in with pressure, silent sound of death
at his feet. Enormity of his deed hit him like springs.
He recoiled from himself. Drawing in ragged breath,
he forced the knife brutally into his throat as aftermath.
PS: Don't forget to check on my book review: Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart.....:D
18 comments:
powerful write, gautami.
'; silent sound of death
at his feet' may work better. A slight variation which pulls the reader's eyes along the line without the earlier 'sound of...'.
'...springs'
This is really good. The subject is fascinating. With a little touching up it will be a winner. :)
polona: thanks.
Beaman: I have changed it as per your suggestion. It reads better. I await more critiquing!
Parting is such sweet sorrow!
What an ending!!
This is scary..what is up with all of this rage? I felt sorry for Mrs. Terza Rima.
Self preservation is far too powerful in sociopathic cowards like MR Rima..
they simply cannot kill themselves because they are their own god at the centre of their universe.
You did a great job creating a chilling and calculating feeling as the man slices her and takes her ring too. The suspense is good too! And I like the way it then switches tone, when "the enormity of his deed hit him like springs" and he cuts his own throat. Well-done!
I like it just the way it is. There is no perfect poetry; only some poems we are more readily release from our clutches.
phew....
i like the rhyme here, gautami, but i think this tale might work better in free verse.
i am learning about structured poetry from you. :)
This is a powerful poem about a terrible subject. Chilling. And Things Fall Apart is one of my favourite books.
Steve: and revenge is ever so bitter.
andrew: thanks!
donn/h.e.: Isn't it just? But it happens too. And Terza Rima is a form of structured poetry in case you missed that..:D
clare: Thanks. I did try to keep the suspense till the end.
don: You got that right. Poetry is our way of seeing things.
magiceye: phew!
dsnake1: I have had enough of structured poetry. Next few ones should be free verse.
paris/tara: Chilling yes! Thanks!
You do keep the suspense going all the way to the end -- it was a total surprise to me that he would then cut his own throat! It was that much more surprising because he had been so deliberate and not hesitant in killing her -- so when he suddenly recoiled from himself and cut his neck after feeling the enormity of what he did, that was a shift in the feeling of his being a cold-blooded killer -- and it was brilliant! I just wanted to clarify what I wrote earlier.
:)
//closing his eyes to everything, he pulled the string,
hearing it give in with pressure, silent sound of death
at his feet. Enormity of his deed hit him like springs.// ---->
love the poem. is it everytime the person who does a crime closes the eyes because they do not mean to do it...
clare: I got you right the first time. No confusion there. But you are always welcome to visit.
ghost: Welcome again to the land of the living!
welcome to the 3-WW world. powerful and distrubing
Yes I 'got' that.
I was just being a silly person.
Thanks sage, I don't I can keep up though!
donn: It's not you. It's me who was teasing you.
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