for a pittance, you buy that confection
which tastes of death camouflaged as plum
I need a remedy for my sleepless state
that clover would have helped
but for a pittance you sell your soul
I extend my arm towards you
on second thought place it on my hip
you like to be in the limelight
that darkness shining out of you
only enhances it
while I conform to rules
coming back, my throat feels like husk
I try multitude of things
gargling motor oil too
my drive only gets stronger
thinking what made me end up with a scofflaw
27 comments:
beautiful words:)..enjoyed my read:)
It's a little bit insane gargling motor oil but I like mad poetry
it's awesome to sometimes not totally get it ;) i like this lol
Telling it how it is - apart from the oil ... I hope.
Enjoyed this.
Well now Gautami, it would appear the dreamer needs a new significant other. It may be your rough draft however it delivers. I enjoyed your poem.
DH
I like this...acrid and biting, and good use of the words too.My favourite line: n"that confection
which tastes of death camouflaged as plum". Good job.
-Nicole
Hi Gautami,
I agree, gargling motor oil seems a tad too extreme!
:) nice one!
specially noticed the gargling and motor oil after reading through the comments:):)
This was no first draft! Very good, and the ending lines were perfection!
You've adroitly built a story around the words that hangs together and pulls us in.
It is always hard getting beyond Gautami Tripathy.....a wonderful name....a piece of poetry...but when I do....it is always good....I especially like this one..and "gargling motor oil" is soooooooooo good. I dont have trouble gargling the oil but the engine in my Toyota dont like my mouthwash
You sew the words together so neatly into your poetic images. If this is not a final draft, you haven't much work to do to make it a final draft. I like it the way it is. Thank you.
An interesting confection ..
Great - I think this may be my new fave of yours!
Gargling motor oil...?? :) Great stuff.
beautifully penned... intense write :)
I liked it... except for gargling motor oil! That should have been for the scofflaw maybe; not for the comformist. But hey - what do I know! :)
There were several images I particularly enjoyed... extending the arm but settling for the hip, and of course the motor oil, which was made all the more appealing because of the subsequent line's use of "drive". Great job.
This just moves from husk to motor oil in a wonderful manner. Imagination going berserk. Enjoyed this one.
I like how you built up the contrast between the two characters. And that "gargling motor oil" line is genius!
I like the death designed as plum. And the rhythm here. It's vicious, angry. And more.
"death camouflaged as plum" and "gargling motor oil" stick out particularly well for me... nice use of imagery! :)
Interesting images, Gautami. I like the way your poetry surprises us.
I really like "tastes of death camouflaged as plum."
These are my favorite lines:
you like to be in the limelight
that darkness shining out of you
only enhances it
They create a powerful visual and spiritual image.
from Therese B. -- For me, the poem is about two people in a lopsided relationship: the scofflaw is never willing to give the other what is justly needed, whether that be physical need (the plum/clover contrast) or emotional need (the arms extended then pulled back). I could be mistaken, though. But I think it's a powerful draft with much potential.
Fabulous imagery and intense emotions. Loved your metaphors.
Excellent writing again Guatami.
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