she stood watching the biscuit dipped in tea,
her thoughts took her to that shapeless amoeba
in her school biology book so long ago.
a noise broke into her reverie,
for a miniscule moment, scaring her out of wits,
her thoughts revolving like falcons preying.
that lonely helicopter acted
like a screeching tyres of a skidded car.
at the sound of deep dark silence, a top stopped spinning.
.
with mixed feeling,
she heard pebbles hitting water,
ripples of her heart going round and round.
"maybe cheese of life melted that biscuit"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rewrote one of my previous works, changing the meaning completely. I edited large parts of it. Do check that out here.
19 comments:
I read both.. yes, you have created something absolutely different..today let me confess..I read your poems again and again and often sit wondering have I got the meaning..this wonderment is the essence that tells me about the depth with which you write..truly a blessed one..it took me time to speak like this..but I am happy that I did. Thanks, Gautami!
amoeba in a book –
what will I be
when I grow up
Your writing is just superb... i love the similes you use and everyday stuff gets so artistic though your words...
philosophical nature of a poem with wonderful metaphors -- it felt very surreal reading it - amazing imagery was conjured up in my minds eye, your words were turning myths into possibility becoming realities.
joanny
Another excellent last line.
great piece...it made me feel almost frozen in that moment noticing all the little things...very nice one shot
You did indeed write a very different poem. For me, the second poem flows better, excites and interests more than the first one. The original was a good poem, but left me feeling that it would be a great deal better for a bit of pruning and editing.
her thoughts revolving like falcons preying.
I really liked that line. From there forward it seemed like it was all building toward some crescendo.
i love how you add such meaningful weight to this buiscuit imagery
I read the older poem & the combination poem as well as your post here. The combination poem is great, you have some lovely metaphors & smooth, flowing language. But it does need tightening up which should make it a little shorter. There are sentences that could be combined. I enjoyed all 3 poems.
Two very different poems. The original is narrative in texture and style, full of deeper emotions and feelings. The second one is lighter, has a much dreamier quality about it. But, I like both.
Elizabeth
I agree with Elizabeth--two very different poems. yet they do carry some of the same load, in the reflective aspects of the narrator, and in the excellent descriptive phrases of someone enmired in a life. I also liked both, though this one is a somewhat more direct and neat piece.
Gautami those are two different poems. Both are very good.
Pamela
Love the thoughts that are prompted by the sights and sounds that the speaker notices, especially the amoeba. Wonderfully written.
Thank you so much for sharing both of these poetic versions and visions! I am growing continually more impressed with the results of this prompt. It is a wonder what you have shown in each version of this poem, now twice told. I am much wanting to set aside all judgments. I am beginning to think what if we kept writing the same "poem" over again, even several times. Sounds less interesting superficially, however the results I'm seeing impress me very much, feeling perhaps the depth of the actual person behind the poems. You have a lovely poetic voice. Thank you.
Gautami, I read your poems with awe, being a literalist and trying so hard to find that essence, the layer beneath the here and now. You capture so much of that in this poem. While it's true I'm on hiatus, I could not resist this WWP prompt. THANK YOU. Peace, Amy
http://sharplittlepencil.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/one-for-we-write-poems/
There are those reflective moments when everything seems to make sense, and yet somehow, nothing does.
I can relate to this poem, as I have come by many such frozen moments...
Loved the last line... maybe cheese did have something to do with the melting of the biscuit...
Very profound..
Beautiful poem. Nice use of unusual words. So much more to just a tea and biscuit. I noticed in this poem, and the previous one, you jump from sudden sounds. You are sensitive, or maybe just scared of your own shadow, as we all can be at times.
Good imagery, build up - memorable exit line.
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