Wednesday, September 08, 2010

commas in the pauses

this isn't really about me
this isn't really about you
this isn't not even about the two
what is this about, you might ask
I say, this is amalgamation
of I know not what

yes, you heard that right
I never asked you to feast here
or to ogle at the pauses
or the commas as some might say

I am not going to charm you
you keep away from the graphs
I never dangled the space
I presumed it to be robust
to hold under its own steam
your pigheadedness broke into it

"when the wings fall apart, you will exist not"

23 comments:

Ramesh Sood said...

Very beautiful.. liked it a lot, Gautami..as usual the end line takes the breath away..

barbara said...

You really got cooking at the end (not that i am not enamored of commas) . I am fascinated by the idea of robust space. And the line at the end is a knockout

flaubert said...

Gautami this is fantastic and the ending is superb!
Pamela

Julie Jordan Scott said...

I especially love the line "ogle at the pauses".... beautiful!

My 3ww

Derrick said...

"I never dangled the space
I presumed it to be robust"
is a great phrase!

ThomG said...

I really appreciate how you took this prompt. I will echo everyone else and say the last line is killer.

Mary said...

Wonderful writing. I like where you went with the prompt. I am in agreement about the last line.

Diane T said...

Your words are always inspired....and always interestingly written. I love the last line.

Fay's Too said...

I'm not even sure what to say. That never stops me, though. Beautiful.

Elizabeth said...

Gautami, I always love your stuff, but this one is somehow even deeper and richer. Maybe, because like you said, it seemed to write itself. I too like the robust pauses, and the last line, but also the rest of what surrounds those two things, making them even better for that support,

Elizabeth

Mr. Walker said...

A great take on the prompt. I love "amalgamation / of I know not what". That thought sums up a lot of poems - and yet they work, as yours does.

Amity said...

This is just awesome!

Amalgamation made it more intriguing and the ending line is just powerful!

Great use of the prompt Gautami! ;)

Pete Marshall said...

a superb share with one shot and i hope it gets the views it deserves..i put you up.so no need to worry and thanks for sharing..pete

dustus said...

Great One Shot post! Welcome. Enjoy your poem especially the beginning repetitions in the lines and the spirited tone. Cheers

Christine said...

What an interesting take on the prompt, Gautami. Like Barbara, I also loved the idea of robust space. Powerful and nicely done!

gautami tripathy said...

Thanks Pete! I will check out the One Shot poems over the weekend!

Eric Alder said...

Isn't it pig-headedness? This One Shot really put me in a comma... um, coma.

moondustwriter said...

I'm out somewhere in the wings


Nice One Shot - so clever

Moon smiles

christopher said...

Thank you, I particularly like your use of "robust", since you found a way to find a place for the word in its full sense in your poem, something not everyone did. "A robust space" in the way you used it actually made complete linguistic sense once you wrote "to hold under its own steam". Well done. Robust was the trickiest word in our challenge. And so when "your pigheadedness broke into it" then "pigheadedness" also made sense as something more than ordinary attention might be required to break into the robust space at this point. Yes.

The three words we are given are not always so easy to place without some kind of forcing. To use the allusion to a "robust wine" was perhaps the easiest way to get past the word and you did not use this easy way out. You could have given your subject. At least I can see how to rewrite and put wine in place of space. I commend you for avoiding that choice.

senderupwords said...

This is a tremendous piece of work. Love and Light, Sender

Jeeves said...

Strong!!!Wonderful flow of words

irene said...

Wonderful pauses and commas!

she said...

thanks for stopping by and commenting and inviting me to visit your One Shot. Interesting tone. I feel like I am in trouble :) Looking forward to reading more from you.