Closing
Headlights
Virtual
in my head, lights keep dancing;
closing my eyes I see ceaselessly,
images I had deliberately made myself forget.
with determination I yet again brush aside that unfinished chapter,
which should never have been written.
only for a while, real co-exists with virtual.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am posting a very rough draft. I need to re-work this. I find something lacking here. But what, I can not put my fingers on that.
21 comments:
It's very beautiful--and true--the chapter that never should have been written
courting destiny
The only raw thing was the last sentence and probably only felt that way as you pointed the way
I like it as it is, and I enjoyed the way you creatively seperated out head and lights to form a new concept instead of using it as an object.
((((Gautami)))))
I like it. Sometimes rough equals unfinished.
Rose
xo
P.S. Switch to Wordpress. This commenting way is going to stop people from coming.
that was beautiful,, and it made me think about how desperately i have fought to write every one of those chapters,, and what a waste my life would be,, if i brushed even one of them aside......
Finsh it and be rid of it, is always my policy when it comes to anything unfinished, memories and experiences arent so easy, but we have to do it to move on.. Thank you.
UL
I agree with the others... I'd leave it as is. I don't think it needs to be finished at all.
Traveling Chica
It sounds good to me. I like unfinished works, they are challenging and a reminder that we can always finish later (if we want to of cause).
here's my 3ww
Choices
This is wonderful! beautifully honest and touching. I loved every word of it! wouldn't change a thing.
Christy
Interesting take on head-lights! I find it hard to see where this might be unfinished.
Pretty polished for a draft!
One suggestion, gautami: Stay with the active voice and the personal pronoun--"I never should have written," rather than "never should have been written." Then ask yourself "What can I cut?" Be especially tough on adjectives. Mark Twain on the adjective:"When in doubt, leave it out."
(But remember that I work in a form of 17 syllables or less.)
In that previous comment, I meant what I said about adjectives to apply to modifiers in general.
I like the rawness of your unfinished works. It feels like you are giving birth to a painful piece of writing, and we are all witness to those writing pains.
I like it - love the use of headlights. The unfinished chapter is very intriguing.
I think it's a lovely poem ruminating on memory and how it continues to plague us in the present. It's a real mystery.
but i like it! :) it was so raw and to the point!
I think everyone wishes they could forget a chapter or two of their lives. But, Paisley has a point, if you try to forget then it was a waste because you couldn't learn from the experience. Still, nice job. Keep up the good work.
in my head, lights keep dancing;
closing my eyes I see ceaselessly,
images I had deliberately made myself forget.
with determination I yet again brush aside that
chapter where real co-exists with virtual
unfinished chapter,
which should never have been written.
Thanks, whoever you are taking half my name.
I suppose you are not brave enough to give out your real name!
I had some ideas, but now embarrassing ,-)
Merry Christmas, dear Gautami Tripathy!
I agree with that 'other' option missing the link-possibility.
some chapters should never be written but not this. like it.
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